Is love enough?

I wondered that sometimes. Is love enough to sustain a relationship? Is it enough to keep you holding on? I have found myself asking that question everyday for the last two years. Reflecting on my past relationships and trying to understand why I put up with what I put up with, I found that it was low self esteem. But during the times I was going through these trials I had convinced myself that “love” was all I needed and it was enough. But was it enough? Was it enough to ignore the emotional abuse I endured? Constantly hearing that I don’t deserve to be treated well because I messed up and he was doing me a favor just talking to me? Hearing I wasn’t good enough, happy enough, passive, I was too strong, too opinionated, complained more than the others even though I was treated the best. LOL!!! That makes me laugh now but low self esteem will have you doing some foolish things. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t appreciate this man the way I should surely he was a good man. I’m digressing and I will leave this for another entry. Back to the matter at hand, I wondered was love enough to allow myself to be pushed past a point where I had lost all respect for myself? I mean they say love is worth fighting for, right? But at some point I learned that particular battle was not worth the fight. At some point we have to realize that love cannot and will not keep a relationship together. Just because two people love each other does not mean they need to be together. Relationships have to have MUTUAL respect, understanding and it has to be headed toward the same outcome, i.e. you both have to want the same thing, and you can’t want a booty call while he is looking for a wife. It is a lesson I learned the hard way, trying to work it out for the sake of “my man” for the sake of our love, because I knew I could make him happy like no other and I knew he loved me more than those other ones, holding on to him for dear life, hoping that one day after all the waiting, after all the pain, after all the tears, and phone calls from other women telling me my man was their man, he would wake up and appreciate what he had in me and those other ones were just his play things and he would be finished playing. He would see I was a good woman and I was the only one that would make him happy just like he was the only one that could float my boat. It never happened and why would it he wasn’t ready to change. I didn’t hate him for it nor did I fault him because at the end of the day I put up with the bullshit. I have learned that people change when they are ready and if they feel it’s necessary. Sometimes you have to just let it go because if you don’t you will be waiting forever wasting your life away, slowly falling deeper and deeper into an abyss of self doubt and low self esteem. Falling so deep that you can never pull yourself out and you endure the mistreatment forever. There is a feeling that anything worth having is worth fighting for, but we have to pick and choose our battles. And if one day you say enough is enough and stop waiting for them to come around and begin to pick up the pieces, it doesn’t mean you love them any less it just means you love you much more.

I am not my hair!!

While I do love being natural and I think my hair is great I have learned that just as simply as I have a good hair day I can have a bad. And just like my hair grows one day through some traumatic event or just old age it can stop growing. My hair does not define me, it doesn't make me any doper than what I already am, my personality has not all of a sudden changed because I decided to stop relaxing it. I'm still the same, high-maintenance, somewhat neurotic, demanding, loyal and loving, crazy girl!!! So these are some misconceptions people have had of me in the few months I've been wearing my hair natural, I find it funny so I decided to share.
1) No I do not recite poetry. The Man up above did not bless me with the gift of spoken word and while I do write ALOT!! It's for my eyes only.
2) No I don't no where to find that good, matter of fact can you tell me, because I have no connects whatsoever.
3) Please I pray to Jesus above, stop asking me when I'm going to loc my hair. The answer will be never!!! I liken that to someone asking me when I was going to get a perm when I was wearing a relaxer. And not that anything is wrong with locs I just don't want them.
4) My political views still have not changed. I'm still a relatively conservative, sorry.
5) I do not make my own jewelry, candles, shoes or whatever. See number one, the Lord didn't bless me with the gift of creativity.
6) When I straighten my hair temporarily I am not being a traitor to my race. I just wanted a change can a sister be allowed to switch it up, shit I'm not trying to pass I think my brown skin is a dead giveaway.
7) Just because I wear a wig does not mean I am bald head and I hate my hair it just mean I wanted a temporary change.
8) I am not hating on you because your hair is straight and swinging in the wind. I don't hate on people it's stupid, I mean my hair swings in the wind too, just don't run your finger through it may get tangled in there.
9) Just because my hair changed doesn't mean my taste in men has. I still like them how I liked them before.
10) Last but certainly not least, get you damn hands out of my hair!!!! I am not a fur baby!!! I know it looks like a bush of thistles and you are surprised at how soft it is, but please keep your paws out of my hair before you draw back a nub!!!
So that's it!!! People hold too much value in hair, it's just freaking hair. If you want to press it, perm it, relax it, dye it, wig it, weave it, twist it, loc it, or just rock it how it in a fro do you!!! My only concession is you do it well!!! Peace and blessings

The start of breaking the cycle

Two or three years ago I told myself I would never deal with foolishness from a man ever again. I had had such a horrible experience with my ex, was through being a fool for love. I realized that at some point I had to love myself more than the situation, more than him, more than us. So I let him go truly and it was the hardest thing I had encountered at the time. I cried every night for weeks. For years I had let the relationship tear me down, his constant cheating made me question myself and my worth. What about me wasn’t good enough that he wouldn’t want to faithful to me. Was I not pretty enough? Was I too mean? Did I not smile enough? Or maybe my butt and hips weren’t round enough? Maybe I should have cooked for him that last time I was there, then maybe he wouldn’t have liked for the other one to do it? Was I not good enough to have a man of my own, one that would love me and only me. Then one day I realized I was worthy after years of comparing myself to women, I realized it had nothing to do with me, it was him. And even though I loved him, he wasn’t the one for me. I deserved more than just being number 1 on his totem pole of hoes. I deserved to be his only. So why am I letting history repeat itself? Why am I allowing myself to be one of many? I know the answer and it hurts to even admit it, but it’s so simple that it should be fixed, but so complicated that a band-aid is not enough to begin the process of healing. However slowly but surely I’m breaking my cycle of insanity.